Day by Day

I have taken a HUGE hiatus from the blog.  First it started as just the need to put my laptop down and focus on my family, myself, and my household.  Later my laptop actually took its own hiatus and I had to send it to get repaired. Well, its back, and I am back too!  I missed this little place to share my heart and my thoughts.

Some of ya’ll who know me well, will know that I struggle with post partum depression.  Even saying it is hard.  I think sometimes there is a stereotype associated with it.  And as a mom, there is the guilt that you shouldn’t have it because it’ll somehow hinder your kids.  I wanted to share my story.  Perhaps it will helps someone else.

I have gotten post partum depression (PPD) after each of my girls were born.  It doesn’t hit until they are around 5 months old.  Don’t ask me why, I am not an expert… but what I think happens is that around 5 months my girls begin to eat solids, and nurse less.  So something hormonally changes as they nurse less that puts me into a season of PPD.  For me, my biggest symptoms aren’t crying, sadness, etc… my symptoms include memory loss, not being able to focus, easily overwhelmed, and more along those lines.  Brandon usually is the first to notice it.  Having his support through this all has been crucial.  His love and gentleness amazes me.

Yea, I have bad days, days that are hard to function normally.  After Shiloh was born, it was the worst.  I didn’t understand what was happening, didn’t reach out for help, and didn’t know how common PPD was.  When Capri turned 5 months old, I was more self-aware and when the PPD hit, I tried for 2 months to use some natural remedies and lifestyle changes.  They didn’t help (probably didn’t hurt it though).  So, after a lot of prayer, and against my stubbornness, I saw a doctor.  He was great.  He used some kind of screening tests… I wish I could remember more about them…  Anyways, I scored super high for PPD despite the fact that I wasn’t showing the more “depression-style” symptoms.  He prescribed me some medication to help bring my body back into balance.  Now after Leilani’s birth, the medication has helped enormously.  When she was 5 months old, my scatter brain, 2 second memory symptoms arrived, but this time, I was prepared.  Now I am managing them, making sure I get through this season of life.  Handling the PPD.  It doesn’t scare me anymore.  I don’t feel guilty like I used to.  I don’t stress over it.  I take it day by day.  And I know this won’t last forever.

So after all my rambling.  I am thankful to get to share this story here… haha, and hopefully it can help someone else who has had, has, will have PPD.  I can honestly say that I am being the best mommy I can be for my daughters.  Through the failures, through the hard times, they are getting the best of me.  God has shown me a lot through these past 5 years.  I have learned a lot as I trusted Him and sought after wisdom, grace, healing, and patience.  Day by day I need Him.  More than anything else, I need Him.  He lifts my spirit, and He encourages me.  He reminds me to not let my flesh get the best of me.

“He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17

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Update:  If you are a mommy (or not) and feel like you might have PPD, anxiety, or any other kind of mental/physical/emotional struggle, please, PLEASE, reach out to someone.  Tell your husband, a close friend, call your doctor.  Its not shameful.  A good doctor will know how to treat your symptoms.  Sometimes your symptoms might look like mine, sometimes they will be different.  If you feel like the walls are closing in around you, hopeless, unmotivated, angry, anxious, snippy, exhausted, reclusive… then I urge you to get help.  I felt those all at one point or another.  And keeping them to myself only made things worse.  Opening up to my husband helped me feel like I wasn’t alone.  Eventually it was Brandon that made me get help.  He even called and made the appointment for me.  He drove me there.  He supported me through the whole thing.  Emotionally, I needed that support system.  If you feel like you can’t do it yourself, ask someone to make you get help.   You deserve it.  Trust me, you really deserve it!   

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